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Writer's pictureSylvia Nwokolo

Fixing Others

Hey friends, have you noticed in life when things go wrong we tend to look for a quick fix to solve the issue. When all our motive lies in fixing people and things around us, we rob the people around us from living life and embracing the ups and downs that life brings. We rob the people around us from participating in something that they might not yet know how to do but with practice and not fixing they learn to do it and get a sense of achievement doing it. I used to be so good at fixing things which is really not an entirely good thing. I could fix things up to get you to the destination you want but not with the right attitude. Why do I do so? Because in my head I just want that issue to go away, I just want it done and dusted and I am very impatient with people around me taking their time to do something that I would do so easily. But I had to pause and think, where is the beauty in living life when you cannot go side by side with people, when they can’t learn from their life’s journey, when their mother or father is always trying to fix them and make them act in a certain way. There is more to life than just getting to the solution of a problem. The process matters. The process Is where true friendships are built or wrong friendships are realised. The process is what brings resilience and tenacity, It is what builds character and self achievement. The process is what makes people’s life richer, fuller and fulfilled. As a good fixer, it is a real challenge to watch people not do right what I can do without blinking. But because I am intentional teaching my kids life skills, I had to resist the habit of picking up after them or doing things they were meant to do. Believe me it takes me seconds to fix these things, but I will intentionally call them and show them what to do, and sometimes be on their case till they get it right which can be draining but the end result of them eventually knowing how to do it themselves is satisfying not only for me but for them.

I like the school holiday seasons in the Nwokolo household because though it can get so messy, I am not in a hurry to fix things as they do not need to go to bed on time for school the next day, I allow them the patience to do things themselves, it could get messy but I know they’ll eventually get it. I don’t have to rescue them for the sake of time. My daughter had watched me and my husband cook jollof rice a couple of times, and then it was her turn to cook the same. For a fixer like me, I make sure I am no where near the kitchen when it is my children’s turn to do the cooking because it makes them want to ask or confirm something from me or it makes me want to take over. I stay away from the kitchen so they can make the judgment call themselves and cook the meal as they want. Oh you could see the sense of achievement she feels now when she cooks jollof rice. I think she is getting better than I that taught her! You see when you are a fixer, you rob the people around you from being fulfilled because you want to make sure they do it your way or the high way, but there are other ways my friend, there are other ways. If you allow people around you the creativity to get things done you will find yourself learning from them even when you least expect it. I remember when I soaked oven trays beside the kitchen sink and was wondering when I would have time to wash them. One of my children said to me, do you want me to wash these off?, as she was washing off some dishes, I said yes as I was too tired to care how good they would be washed and was just happy that someone volunteered so they could eventually get off the kitchen table. What I saw afterwards left me very amazed. Even I couldn’t wash oven trays like that. It was like I just purchased those trays for the first time. I am going to have to watch her next time and learn from her. So you see I have seen another side of my child which I may never have seen.

For me, fixing was done as a selfish act to get things done quickly and easily but I am learning to let people into my world and even if they do things messy, the experience, connection and sense of achievement matters.

Fixing people has more weighty meaning and consequences than meets the eye. It is much more than a selfish act. We have to often remind ourselves that variety is the spice of life and people will not do things or get to the solution of a matter the same way we will. We have to give grace to others when interacting with them. You rob yourself of being a good listener when you go into fixing and solution mode when someone just wants to be heard and understood. People do not need your solution, most of the time, they need to be heard first. Family members are mostly guilty of trying to fix each other but I want you to please think about it before trying to get your child in order or your spouse or sibling to do as you said or make them obey your every word. Before you try to fix them up, watch and listen and find out how they are feeling. Connect with them genuinely. They matter to you more than just making them conform to what society says. If you try to just fix people around you, it might seem that things are OK from the outside but you are slowly losing the chance to foster a good relationship with the other person. Sometimes we try to play God by wanting others to just obey us because we think we have the solution but instead let’s try to come side by side with them and walk with them, and patiently let them come to the solution. They would appreciate your wisdom on the matter that way, much more than trying to make them do it your way. You don’t need two of you in this world, you really don’t want everyone around you to act exactly like you, so let’s live and let others live, and allow others to pave their unique part so we all can genuinely keep thriving in life. So until next time my friend, it’s your host Sylvia Nwokolo reminding you to keep winning, shining and thriving. God bless.

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