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Marriage Goals

Hey friends, I’m glad you’ve joined me on this journey to thrive and live on purpose. I am a woman wearing many hats, which I love by the way. One of which is that my husband and I help counsel couples in their relationships. We have had the privilege of helping couples take the step of getting married and those already in it. So today I want to talk about marriage goals. I for one can remember when I knew I was ready to get married and how writing down the key things I wanted in my man helped inform my decision to say yes to my now husband. Also keeping goals in mind even in my marriage and doing an occasional check on our relationship to enable us course correct as we go is key for me. There is so much I can say about these but I’m going to try and keep it streamlined. Whether you are married, about to get married or not yet in a relationship, marriage goals is a perspective that we can have. So let’s dive into what sort of things should inform our marriage goals. The first thing I eluded to earlier on when I talked about my relationship, is to begin with the end in mind. This is a common concept that can be used in every area of life. So in terms of getting married, start by answering questions regarding, what sort of spouse you want to spend your life with. Write down what you want and place them in order of importance. If you wait till you have met someone to clearly define and write them down, you will be biased in your thinking and your decision will be skewed. Writing them down makes your marriage vision plain for you to see. It gives you a template to analyse your prospective spouse from. It takes away the sentiments in your choice of spouse because you have already envisioned the future you want and made it plain. Some things you write down will be nice to have – we call them the negotiables, and you would most definitely have the non-negotiables which are things you cannot compromise on. So keep this in mind and focus mainly on the non-negotiables. Another thing to bear in mind while doing this is to have the right mindset, have an abundant mindset. If you think as a woman that men are scarce, you would approach your goals list with that impression and you would want to settle for less. Also If you think time is not on your side, it could cause you to settle for less and ignore your non-negotiables. Marriage is a choice and you want to choose right with the right mindset so that the foundation is right. Beginning with the end in mind is also used in your marriage to analyse how things are going. I still remember years ago when I looked at how busy my husband and I had got to the point where we had time for everything but us. It got me analysing our present with the future we want to realise that we could not continue living our life that way. I knew that if we continued the way we were going there was a chance of us realising most likely when our kids have left home that we have lost our connection and become strangers. So it takes the constant analysis of the present with the future you want for each other to consciously keep your marriage relationship in focus despite how busy life can get.

The next thing about marriage goals is - do not get married to change your spouse. Your job is not to manipulate your spouse. So don’t let the aim be to marry him with the intention of ‘fixing him’ to your taste. Recognise that we all have flaws, we all have our way of doing things, there is no perfect human being. Have the conversation you need to have to make sure you are both aligned. Change is a constant thing and we are evolving to be better versions of ourselves. So I belief the focus should be on ones self to constantly improve to a better or best version, not to want to place the focus on changing your spouse. One thing that can make you feel the need to change your spouse is comparing him to others. Don’t fall into that trap of comparing your spouse. No two relationships are the same so treat your marriage uniquely. Focus on your non-negotiables and if these are slipping off in your marriage, discuss it with your spouse but do not expect your spouse to be the same as your friend’s spouse. Comparing with others will rob you of the joy of enjoying your marriage.

One of the conversations we have with couples before they get married is to remember to always approach things as one front if they want to consistently make progress. This bible verse comes to mind - where two or more agree concerning a thing it shall be established. This is so very key in marriage as with everything. Have the mindset that it is not your spouse against you but we are both on the same side and want the best for us. In fact I go as far as saying it is us (you and your spouse) against the world. |We should view our relationship that way, this makes resolving conflict less difficult. If I am looking out for only myself in the relationship, I would argue selfishly and would not care how my spouse feels and what the outcome will be as long as I get my way. But if I am looking for an 'us solution' because I have that mindset engrained in me, I am able to compromise in wanting my way when I need to, and resolve any conflict much better. In a relationship where we are looking for an us solution we will have each other’s interest at heart in our decision making.

This leads me to my next point which is that conflict should not be seen as a bad thing. Welcome conflict because it makes the relationship thrive. You know the saying that we disagree to agree, bear that in mind when dealing with conflicts. See conflicts as an opportunity to become better, become better in communicating, in resolving issues and therefore in building a thriving marriage. Don’t shy a way from conflict and don't judge your spouse based on the conflict at hand. In conflict it gets worse to get better. Remember there is always an us solution. While I have said to welcome conflict, I must also caveat it with another valid point which is to choose your battles carefully. You don’t have to bring up every wrong thing that you notice, you are not the accuser of the brethren - the devil is, not you. Remember we all have different personalities and your spouse is different to you. So treat your spouse with this in mind and talk about issues that you really need to address for your marriage to thrive – don’t try to make your spouse like you. Variety is the spice of life. Acknowledge his differences, be open to see his side of things and where possible learn from him. Remember that familiarity breeds contempt, so don’t get too familiar with your spouse that you forget to acknowledge, honour and celebrate the valuable human being that he is. Until next time my friend, it's your host Sylvia reminding you to keep winning, shining and thriving. God bless.

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