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Controlling Others

Do you wish that you can control everyone around you and make them do things you want them to do? Or are you on the other end where you feel controlled by someone or people and you are wondering how to free yourself? Today I want to share my thoughts about controlling others, and perhaps it will free you from being the controller or being controlled. You might be thinking, my life would be a whole lot better if I could control everyone around me. Just as you can tell your dog to sit and it immediately sits. Could it really make life easy for you to have that power over people? I think not! Ok Sylvia, you might ask, how can I get people to do what I want? then my question to you is: why would you want others to do what you want, when you want, and how you want automatically as if they were robots? I might be sounding too direct by this question but I want you to give it some more thought. If you want someone to do as you say always, does that not devalue their potential to think, feel and act? Does that mean that you are the only one created with wisdom and discernment to operate in the world? I think not. As we humans are created in God's image and likeness and we have been gifted with thoughts, feelings and emotions to make decisions. So I think it is devaluing for you to think others should be controlled. I think that would be belittling the power that God has given each of us to choose. Even our creator gave us the power to make choices. To accept him into our lives, to choose this day which God we will serve. That is why there is so much evil still present in the world because God did not take our ability to choose. He did not lord it on each and everyone of us to follow him, he gave us a choice. If God can give us a choice how much more can we give each other a choice to make a decision? There is one key thing we all need to give to each other instead of controlling. Let me tell you this story first. We were taking a walk with my then little daughter and she really wanted to lead the walk and tell us where to go but we didn't yield to her request. She felt frustrated. I knew she didn't know much about where the roads led but she really wanted to do it. So in order to let her choose the path we will take, I had to give her information. I told her where each of the roads led to and how long it will take us to walk back home and what we will see on each road, and that informed her choices of 'lets turn left' and 'let's turn right'. She was only little but she felt empowered that she could make decisions that we could rely on to lead us home and she enjoyed the walk. So I guess you could already tell from the story what the key thing is - Information. Instead of controlling others give them information that would lead them to make an informed decision and at the same time they can embrace the consequences (if any) of their decisions. When you provide information and knowledge to others, you equip them from the inside, you empower them and build character in them, but when you control people to do what you say, you are only causing a temporary change in them - yes you get exactly what you want from them but you have not equipped them in anyway. You have just dominated them. So my friend instead of being tempted to control others, be patient enough to give them information. Feed them with information so they can make the right choices in life. You might be like; Sylvia are you saying I can't control my kids? I am saying that training them with the right information and equipping them with the reason why you do things in a certain way has a lasting impact than forcing them to do things your way. Expose them to the truth and show them what is possible by letting them see Jesus in you. Let them see how you rely on Jesus to thrive in life. Let your life reflect the nature and character of him. Teach them the ways of the lord so when they grow up they can make an informed decision to choose. As a parent if you resolve to just controlling them to do as I say not as I do, when they are no longer answerable to you, they would go off the rails because you did not have the patience to teach them and give them the right info. That's why some kids don't want to have anything to do with their parent's way of doing life because they found it controlling. What am I saying in essence? Controlling does not cause a positive long term impact.

Sometimes fear makes us control people, we think that we are doing them good, but we don't realise we are doing them more harm than good. Fear of our kids making mistakes, fear of failure, fear of what people will say about your child would make you control them and make them obey you instead of patiently training them with the right info. Parenting is not an easy job and it takes a lot of wisdom but as a parent, we need to take the pressure off of our kids; that pressure to conform to a so called standard, instead let's help them discover their God given purpose in life without controlling them to be just like us or making them fulfil our own desire. I believe the God in you is able to bring about your purpose more than me dictating what you should do. That is why asking powerful questions is a way to open up one's mind to what is possible for them. Empowering them in this way increases their confidence.

On the other hand if you are the one that is being controlled and wondering how to free yourself, One word I have for you my friend - Boundaries. You do not have to allow yourself to be controlled. You do not need to be controlled. Like I said earlier, God doesn't control you so no human being has the right to control or intimidate you. You can't make the controller stop being a controller but you can make the controller stop controlling you. You have all you require for life and Godly living, You are a living, breathing, thinking and feeling being. Don't delegate your thinking, feeling and action to someone else to intimidate and control. You are a worthy human being as much as any one else. Know your worth and set boundaries for yourself. To learn more about boundaries, read or listen to my podcast on Boundaries. Until next time my friend, its your host Sylvia Nwokolo reminding you to keep winning, shining and thriving. God Bless.


Sylvia Nwokolo is a Wellbeing Transformation Coach and Author.

For your free breakthrough call, click here.

To get Sylvia's new ebook Godly, Thriving & Confident Kids, click here


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